What's Waking Woburn
A Story of Construction and Conspiracy

WOBURN (AP) These days it seems that Woburn is waking earlier than usual. While many Woburnites prefer to roll out of bed at 7:30, several local construction companies have been setting their alarms for ludicrous and un-American hours. "It's unbelievable," remarked Chris Moesel, a weary Woburn resident. "If they woke us up at 7:25, I could probably deal with that, but 7:00?!?!? In the MORNING?!?!?" It all started six weeks ago, when Moesel was awoken at 6:45 am by the sound of crashing walls. Sure enough, a big yellow bucket on big black wheels (the yellow-and-black attack), was knocking walls down behind his apartment. What once was a large, old barn was now a large, old 3-sided barn with plenty of ventilation. Over the course of several early mornings, it became a large pile of barn parts. Now, two months later, a new warehouse stands there. The wake-up calls of nail guns has ceased and peace had almost arrived.

But this morning, in a stunning turn of events, Moesel was awoken again by a large pounding noise. Only this time, it was his building. "Lying in my bed, too lazy to get up and check, all's I could think of was that 3-sided barn," shuddered Moesel. "But it being a hot morning, I was thinking a little extra ventilation might not be too bad. Until I heard the shattering of broken glass." Moesel would soon find out that another set of contractors (completely different than the first) had dropped a window from the apartment above him and onto the ground directly next to his living room ("What a pane!" he had exclaimed). Dropped, however, may not be the most accurate word. As Moesel states, "Yeah, they just kept on bangin' on that thing with a big sledge hammer until it just fell out. Not exactly the way I would have done things."

Which leads Moesel, and the entire town of Woburn, to wonder: Is there a conspiracy of contractors among them? Why are they doing these things? Why are they up before 7:30? What's the real plan? What are they up to? No one knows for sure, but this reporter has a hunch that it has something to do with naked mole rats.