Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Gosh, has it been that long?

Hmmm... Looks like I've lost my images (they were hosted at an account that no longer exists). I'll have to see if I can find them again.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

Moesel In Bad Company

GREEN BAY (AP) Chris Moesel may not be who you think he is. That's right... All these years we though he was a kind, loving, compassionate young man... Mothers around the world sang of the virtues of their daughters, hoping he just might hear. Bosses across the globe engaged in bidding wars for his supreme wisdom and skill. Priests and nuns from every remote village wished for the day that he might join their parish.

But something is dreadfully wrong.

Moesel in the NWO?

Moesel has been seen around the world, but no one ever thought we'd find him here, in the NWO. His parents were unavailable for comment. Hollywood Hulk Hogan, however, was available.

US: Mr. Hogan, Sir, thank you for agreeing to talk to us.

HOGAN: Let me tell you something. The name Hulk Hogan, the man Hulk Hogan, is big-- bigger than anyone else out their in the ring. The people want to hear what I've got to say, Brother, and I'm going to say it.

US: Is it true that Chris Moesel has joined the NWO?

HOGAN: Yes, Amigo, the New World Order has just gotten more powerful than ever before. You thought we were bad before-- Maniac Moz piles on the heat 50,000 times. The man is crazy-- he's a machine, Brother, and he's fightin' on my side. So you best watch out!

US: Some people have expressed outrage at Moesel's affiliation with you and the NWO. For many, there is only one question, "Why?... Why?"

HOGAN: What'cha gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild through you?

Sunday, September 01, 2002

Moesel Spotted Again!

TAUMATAWHAKATANGIHANGAKOAUAUOTAMATEA-TURIPUKAKAPIKIMAUNGAHORONUKUPOKAIWHENUAKITANATAHU (AP) Less than one week after Chris Moesel was first spotted at a rural train station in Northern Whales, he has now been seen in New Zealand. What type of train brought him all of the way to New Zealand? No one knows for sure. Travel experts from Expedia.com suggest that Moesel most-likely did not take a train the entire way.

We paid good money for this candid photo of Moesel.


We are willing to pay good money to to anyone who can identify the people Moesel is with? Who are they? Friends? Family? Foreign Diplomats? Kidnappers? People who found Chris after he had slipped and fallen while in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch and took advantage of his amnesia by moving to Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamatea-turipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu and claiming to be his parents, all the while calling him Roy because they do not know that his real name is Chris?

Sunday, August 25, 2002

Where Is Moesel?

LLANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWYLL-LLANTYSILIOGOGOGOCH (AP) In a turn of events that has stunned the nation, Chris Moesel has not blogged for over two weeks. So, everyone wants to know: Where is Chris Moesel? It seems that everybody who's anybody has an opinion, and critics can only agree on one thing: he's gotta be somewhere. But where?

The last siting of Moesel was at a railroad station in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch. Luckily, one of our reporters just happened to be there and got this snapshot.


So, now the real questions are: "Did he just arrive at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch? or was he leaving Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch? If he was leaving, where was he going? Why the tux?" We here at www.chrism.org will be following this story closely and will keep you up-to-date on his whereabouts... Much more up-to-date than those lazy folks at the CGU Mail Room will keep you anyway.

Wednesday, July 31, 2002

I've Been Saving This One For You...

Got Mold?

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

15,000 People, 4 Days, 10 Showers
You Do the Math

WOBURN (AP) Chris Moesel, computer programmer by day, smelly folk-rocker by night, returned last night from a 4-day folk adventure in Hillsdale, NY. Our reporters attempted to interview him, but could not get within a close enough distance to speak with him. "He smelled worse than a New York subway train full of dead cats on a hot summer day," Casey Biyune reported. "I simply could not approach him. I wrote down my questions on a piece of paper, crinkled it up in a ball, and threw it at him," Biyune continued, "but he smelled so bad that even the ink ran."

Another reporter was able to get close enough to hear him utter a few disjoint phrases: "folk festival... 15,000 people... 4 days... 10 showers... 50 port-a-potties... got out just in time..."

To see exactly how bad this truly was, we consulted world-renowned mathmatician, Boris Eyeaddalot. His findings were truly astonishing. "Four days is 72 hours," Eyeaddalot exclaimed, "which is 4,320 minutes, which is 259,200 seconds, which means..." Eyeaddalots eyes grew big, as he tried to contain his excitement... "if all 10 showers ran continuosly over the 4 day period, and each person wanted to shower just once over the entire weekend, he or she would have only 17.28 seconds to get in the shower, lather up, rinse, and get out! Furthermore," he stated, "assuming that each person produced just 3 quarts of human waste, that's a total of 45,000 quarts, or 11,250 gallons of human waste. If you do the distribution," Eyeaddalot continued, "you will find that each port-a-potty had to hold 225 gallons of waste. Gosh-- that's a lot of... stuff."

But if you think that those findings are amazing, read on. Eyeaddalot says that, assuming an average wind-speed of 4 mph, a humidity of 60%, and an average barometric reading of 1020 hectoPascals, this combination of people, showers, and portapotties would produce a smell equivalent to 50,000 wet dogs after swimming in a 150,000 gallon vat of sour milk and stale cat urine. In short:

[4w + 0.60h + 1020b + (15000f / 10s) + (50t * 225p)] * 4 = 50000d + 150000g
w = wind-speed (mph)
h = humidity
b = barometric reading (hectoPascals)
f = folkies
s = showers
t = toilets
p = pee & poop (gallons)
d = dogs (wet)
g = gallons of sour milk and stale cat urine

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Hot New Blog Site Goes Down
Rumors Abound of Corporate Fraud At ChrisM.org

BEDFORD (AP) The popular site chrism.com went down earlier today. Although no one is sure why, some speculate that Chris Moesel, owner and CEO of chrism.org has been "taking part in fraudulent behaviour." Most people agree that this probably means that Moesel was too lazy to actually do the books for this aspiring business. A small contingent of the population, however, believes that this supposed "fraudulent" behaviour has nothing to do with book-keeping at all.

"I'm pretty sure there ain't no Chris Moesel at all," says Hingus Martin, one of the few people who don't believe the corporate fraud theory. "ChrisM.org is actually owned and run by a man named Rupert Halloway, but the demand for the rights to ruperth.org is so high that he masquerades as Chris Moesel, since chrism.org was freely available... I've got my eye on you, Rupert."

Evidence suggests, however, that chrism.org may be in financial trouble, as it switched its main server today to a free, ad-based service at blogspot.com. Inside sources say Moesel is doing his best to bring chrism.org back to its ad-free state, but it may take up to 2 weeks. More details to follow.

Moesel Has Cake and Eats It Too
Nearly Spews It 5 Hours Later

WOBURN (AP) Chris Moesel woke up this morning, thinking it would be a day like any other day. But he was wrong-- today would be a day of utter sweetness... and eventually, a night of surprising sourness. Sourness like when you have an itch in your ear and you dig in with your finger to get it and then forget that you had done that and 10 minutes later put your finger in your mouth and wish for a moment that you had no fingers or no mouth at all. Yes, folks, it was that disgusting. But at 9am that morning, as Moesel's teeth dipped into the tender doughiness of a Krispy Kreme doughnut, he did not know that. Aside from being later than usual to work, things were looking up.

After all, a wise man once said,
"He who starts his day, eating Krispy Kreme,
never truly wakes, and lives the day a dream."

Work was no more and no less than Moesel expected. Well, perhaps a little more-- but let's not argue over details. After work, Moesel found himself at the home of his friend, officemate, and drummer of the "severely entertaining" band Saturday Evening Posterchild. Yes, there is one man who fits all of these descriptions, and his name is Andrew. Here, Moesel and Andrew had Birthday cake. The cake was reportedly immensely good.

The Red Sox completely smashed up the Tampa Bay Devil Dogs that afternoon. The score was 22-4, and Nomar had hit 3 homeruns. Manny only hit two. Silly Manny... So, life was sweet for Moesel. Sweet like sugar coated sugar cubes with sugar on top. That night, however, the Red Sox took a 4-0 lead into the ninth inning and blew it-- against the worst team in baseball. This, dear readers, is the cruel stench, the bitter pill, the anti-cake, that entered Moesel's life tonight.

After all, a wiser man than the wise man heretofore mentioned in this article once said,
"A Krispy Kreme can lift your soul but,
Red Sox fans need more than a donut."