Wednesday, July 31, 2002

I've Been Saving This One For You...

Got Mold?

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

15,000 People, 4 Days, 10 Showers
You Do the Math

WOBURN (AP) Chris Moesel, computer programmer by day, smelly folk-rocker by night, returned last night from a 4-day folk adventure in Hillsdale, NY. Our reporters attempted to interview him, but could not get within a close enough distance to speak with him. "He smelled worse than a New York subway train full of dead cats on a hot summer day," Casey Biyune reported. "I simply could not approach him. I wrote down my questions on a piece of paper, crinkled it up in a ball, and threw it at him," Biyune continued, "but he smelled so bad that even the ink ran."

Another reporter was able to get close enough to hear him utter a few disjoint phrases: "folk festival... 15,000 people... 4 days... 10 showers... 50 port-a-potties... got out just in time..."

To see exactly how bad this truly was, we consulted world-renowned mathmatician, Boris Eyeaddalot. His findings were truly astonishing. "Four days is 72 hours," Eyeaddalot exclaimed, "which is 4,320 minutes, which is 259,200 seconds, which means..." Eyeaddalots eyes grew big, as he tried to contain his excitement... "if all 10 showers ran continuosly over the 4 day period, and each person wanted to shower just once over the entire weekend, he or she would have only 17.28 seconds to get in the shower, lather up, rinse, and get out! Furthermore," he stated, "assuming that each person produced just 3 quarts of human waste, that's a total of 45,000 quarts, or 11,250 gallons of human waste. If you do the distribution," Eyeaddalot continued, "you will find that each port-a-potty had to hold 225 gallons of waste. Gosh-- that's a lot of... stuff."

But if you think that those findings are amazing, read on. Eyeaddalot says that, assuming an average wind-speed of 4 mph, a humidity of 60%, and an average barometric reading of 1020 hectoPascals, this combination of people, showers, and portapotties would produce a smell equivalent to 50,000 wet dogs after swimming in a 150,000 gallon vat of sour milk and stale cat urine. In short:

[4w + 0.60h + 1020b + (15000f / 10s) + (50t * 225p)] * 4 = 50000d + 150000g
w = wind-speed (mph)
h = humidity
b = barometric reading (hectoPascals)
f = folkies
s = showers
t = toilets
p = pee & poop (gallons)
d = dogs (wet)
g = gallons of sour milk and stale cat urine