Saturday, July 20, 2002

The Red Sox Must Win Tomorrow
Else Boy's Heart Be Broken

WOBURN (AP) Chris Moesel wears his Red Sox cap proudly. Tomorrow, he will wear it defiantly. As he wears it to the battlefields of Yankee Stadium, may the Lord be with him, and with those for whom he roots. May the Red Sox start a two-month streak of winning ridiculously and may the Yankees struggle much, that Evil shall not prosper any longer.

Our hearts and our prayers are with Chris Moesel and his team of comrades as they venture into enemy territory. May the Red Sox set the place on fire.

Who Ever Said Girls and Boys Are the Same?
An Editorial by Chris M.

Tiger (actually, that's Tigrrrrrr) Woods has been getting some heat from the media lately. This year's British Open was held at Scotland's Augusta National, a country club that does not allow females to be members. When the media asked Tiger what he thought about this policy, he basically said that Augusta National has the right to run their business how they want. Lots of people were upset that he said that, and they claimed that because Tiger is a minority, he should understand why things like that are so evil.

But I agree with Tiger. After all, it's in Scotland, which, although it is not the United States, is actually a free country-- a land of FFFRRREEEEDDDDOOOOMMM (haven't you ever seen Braveheart?). So, let them do their thing-- without women. I mean, what are we trying to do here, pretend like there's no difference between men and women? Any little kid know's that there's a difference. Boys have something extra that girls don't have-- stunning immaturity. Quite frankly, I'm surprised women don't push for more "men-only" locations. Especially when it comes to men-only golf resorts. When was the last time you heard a woman say, "Gosh, I sure do wish I could be in the company of old, boring, cheating, lying men with bad pants, cheap beer, and big smelly cigars..."? Golf courses give us the opportunity to group all these guys together and isolate them from the rest of society. Why would women want a key to that kingdom?

Besides, we have given women chances in what used to be men's sports: golf, wrestling, football, baseball , basketball, and many more.

But nonetheless people will complain. Right now, somewhere in this world, there is a woman exercising on her bike in her women's health club, wearing the shorts she got at the sports store for women, watching the Women's Entertainment channel on TV, complaining to her friend about how men exclude women so much. When she's done, she'll go from the gym to her girls-only hairdresser to get ready for ladies' night at the local bar. After a few free drinks, she'll go back to the "Ladies First" hotel, where she'll dream about one day being honored during Women's History Month.

So everyone should just lay off of Tiger Woods. Women have their own things too. It's not so bad that some things are just for men. In fact, in some cases, it's better that way.

Thursday, July 18, 2002

What's Waking Woburn
A Story of Construction and Conspiracy

WOBURN (AP) These days it seems that Woburn is waking earlier than usual. While many Woburnites prefer to roll out of bed at 7:30, several local construction companies have been setting their alarms for ludicrous and un-American hours. "It's unbelievable," remarked Chris Moesel, a weary Woburn resident. "If they woke us up at 7:25, I could probably deal with that, but 7:00?!?!? In the MORNING?!?!?" It all started six weeks ago, when Moesel was awoken at 6:45 am by the sound of crashing walls. Sure enough, a big yellow bucket on big black wheels (the yellow-and-black attack), was knocking walls down behind his apartment. What once was a large, old barn was now a large, old 3-sided barn with plenty of ventilation. Over the course of several early mornings, it became a large pile of barn parts. Now, two months later, a new warehouse stands there. The wake-up calls of nail guns has ceased and peace had almost arrived.

But this morning, in a stunning turn of events, Moesel was awoken again by a large pounding noise. Only this time, it was his building. "Lying in my bed, too lazy to get up and check, all's I could think of was that 3-sided barn," shuddered Moesel. "But it being a hot morning, I was thinking a little extra ventilation might not be too bad. Until I heard the shattering of broken glass." Moesel would soon find out that another set of contractors (completely different than the first) had dropped a window from the apartment above him and onto the ground directly next to his living room ("What a pane!" he had exclaimed). Dropped, however, may not be the most accurate word. As Moesel states, "Yeah, they just kept on bangin' on that thing with a big sledge hammer until it just fell out. Not exactly the way I would have done things."

Which leads Moesel, and the entire town of Woburn, to wonder: Is there a conspiracy of contractors among them? Why are they doing these things? Why are they up before 7:30? What's the real plan? What are they up to? No one knows for sure, but this reporter has a hunch that it has something to do with naked mole rats.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

Chris Moesel Joins Blogging Phenomenon
Rest of World Does Not Notice

WOBURN (AP) After 23 years of mulling around this place we call Earth, Chris Moesel has finally joined the blogging community. Sources close to him say, "What the heck is blogging?" But we believe that the more important question is "Why blogging?"

"Well," reported the 23 year-old software engineer, "I was just sitting around one night, trying to solve world peace and a method for keeping Fruity Pebbles crunchier longer... when all of a sudden it hit me: I should blog! And so I did."